Great Expectations
The mind is an incredible processing machine. It's amazing what it processes and how.
I'm sure everyone has had the experience where there were two containers next to one another, identical in all ways except as to the volume of its contents. The mind makes a determination which it will pick up and its expectations as to whether that is the full or (almost) empty container. If the mind "guessed" wrong, an interesting thing happens. If it thinks it's lifting the full container, but in reality it reached for the empty one, the container will fly into the air as if it weighed a feather. If it thinks it's lifting the empty container, but in reality it reached for the full one, there is often a moments hesitation as if the brain has to reprogram to lift the "heavier" container. How heavy are the objects that we are talking about? A three year old can lift a full container. Yet, what the mind expects makes such a difference.
Similarly, if a person is expecting a $50,000 bonus or raise and they ONLY get $10,000, they are terribly disappointed. However, if they were expecting $1000, or less, if anything at all, receiving that same $10,000 would thrill them beyond belief.
This carries true in all facets of our lives. We expect people to act a certain way, and when they don't it upsets us. We expect life to treat us a certain way, and when it doesn't it upsets us.
I once heard a Rav say, one of the problems with our generation is that everyone believes that they were born with a tag on their toe that said "100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back". Unfortunately that's not the case. That's simply not the way life works.
Once again, I look around me, and particularly in blogworld, and I see so many people that are sad and depressed about things in their life. I am NOT chas v'shalom looking to diminish or make light of other peoples' problems, I am sure everyone's issue is serious.
However, maybe, if we figured out a way to lower our expectations, we wouldn't be as sad or depressed or perhaps, more accurately, disappointed with aspects of our lives. Again, I repeat, if someone has health issues or family issues, shalom bayis issues, etc. these are all serious issues, I am not referring to those. I am referring to the smaller things that we all tend to make a bigger deal of, because we expect more. I can tell you that I, for one, I am one of the biggest culprits.
So, from now on, I will do my best to expect nothing from anybody. Yeah, right. I am sure that will work. Seriously, how do we program our brains to expect less? I really think it would make a huge difference in our peace of mind and our quality of life.
In the meantime, smile. If nothing else, it makes people wonder what you're up to.
I'm sure everyone has had the experience where there were two containers next to one another, identical in all ways except as to the volume of its contents. The mind makes a determination which it will pick up and its expectations as to whether that is the full or (almost) empty container. If the mind "guessed" wrong, an interesting thing happens. If it thinks it's lifting the full container, but in reality it reached for the empty one, the container will fly into the air as if it weighed a feather. If it thinks it's lifting the empty container, but in reality it reached for the full one, there is often a moments hesitation as if the brain has to reprogram to lift the "heavier" container. How heavy are the objects that we are talking about? A three year old can lift a full container. Yet, what the mind expects makes such a difference.
Similarly, if a person is expecting a $50,000 bonus or raise and they ONLY get $10,000, they are terribly disappointed. However, if they were expecting $1000, or less, if anything at all, receiving that same $10,000 would thrill them beyond belief.
This carries true in all facets of our lives. We expect people to act a certain way, and when they don't it upsets us. We expect life to treat us a certain way, and when it doesn't it upsets us.
I once heard a Rav say, one of the problems with our generation is that everyone believes that they were born with a tag on their toe that said "100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back". Unfortunately that's not the case. That's simply not the way life works.
Once again, I look around me, and particularly in blogworld, and I see so many people that are sad and depressed about things in their life. I am NOT chas v'shalom looking to diminish or make light of other peoples' problems, I am sure everyone's issue is serious.
However, maybe, if we figured out a way to lower our expectations, we wouldn't be as sad or depressed or perhaps, more accurately, disappointed with aspects of our lives. Again, I repeat, if someone has health issues or family issues, shalom bayis issues, etc. these are all serious issues, I am not referring to those. I am referring to the smaller things that we all tend to make a bigger deal of, because we expect more. I can tell you that I, for one, I am one of the biggest culprits.
So, from now on, I will do my best to expect nothing from anybody. Yeah, right. I am sure that will work. Seriously, how do we program our brains to expect less? I really think it would make a huge difference in our peace of mind and our quality of life.
In the meantime, smile. If nothing else, it makes people wonder what you're up to.
posted by A Frum Idealist | 1/16/2006 10:54:00 AM
19 Comments:
So true!
What I want to know is where did this mentality of 'everything is coming to me' surface from? Are we just spoiled little children holding our breath and stamping our feet with disappointment? While it is healthy to have goals... if we are realistic with what we can achieve then it should be in our power to be ok with whatever comes our way....
Great post, I loved the examples you used to make your point. As Pragmatician it’s practically my job to wave away the petty things people obsess and cry over.
The again the Gemarah defines suffering, as reaching in you pocket for a 5$ bill and coming out with a 1$ or 10$ bill.
I think your new attitude will help you, expecting from others invariably leads to disappointment
frumgirl, your question is very valid, but I am not only referring to material things. Even when it comes to simple things, we have expectations, good or bad.
I wonder if I feel affected more than others because although I claim to be an idealist or a realist, in reality, I lean more to the side of optimism. As such, I expect the positive, and when it doesn't come, I get disappointed.
Perhaps pessimists have it easier in that regard. They have no expectations of anybody. But is that a way to go through life?
Excellent points..
The problem is...as we get more...in our mind that comes the norm..and makes it so difficlut to pull back..when you're suddenly not getting as much
you cant go thru life expecting only the negative because it can be self perpetuated and leads to quite misery. I am learning that the secret to happiness is to be 'ok' with whatever comes your way.
without question that is the way to go. the question is how to retrain our minds not to expect more and then be hurt or disappointed when less comes our way.
So you are admitting you need retraining?
yes, I already admitted it earlier.
human nature is
"yeish lo manah rotzeh masaim" - if someone has $100, he wants $200
the best antidote to the gimme gimme syndrome is to visit sick people in the hospital - you gain perspective very quickly
true, mata hari, but I am not talking about rotzeh/wanting. That's one thing. If you want something but don't get it you are not necessarily disappointed, definitely not as much as if you were expecting something.
Again, this is not necessarily exclusive to material items.
You are right though, chazal tell us that our attitude is supposed be, "dai shechai". Happy to be alive, anything more is a bonus.
a frum idealist - ok then...i'm not sure - i wasn't brought up that way (i.e. to expect everything on a silver platter) so I guess I don't. When I see the kids now though....they seem to be getting lots of things like ipods and manicures and dinners in fancy restaurants etc. etc. - i think they're being spoiled and it's leading to a sense of entitlement.
Mata Hari... you raise a good point! I admit to overindulging my child because we *want* to give. But in the long run we are harming them!
frumgirl, in a way, it ties our blogs together again today. Again, parenthood is a scary venture. I pray every day that I do the best that I can and that it all turns out right.
It is the scariest thing you will ever do (aside from allowing yourself to be loved and to truly love).
You know what's really scary? My wife and I have discussed this many times based on unfortunate events that we have seen by others.
You can raise your child, "perfectly" exactly the way that you want to, and are so proud of them and who they have become, and then they get married and their spouse can totally erode all those years of hard work in a very short time. That scares me even worse.
That is SO TRUE! I have seen this with my very eyes... especially pertaining to girls being 'ruined' by their hubbies.... That is why it is important not only to raise healthy kids but strong kids. Emotionally strong.
EXACTLY. I know of a few examples myself. One of the things that I am proud to say is that even though my kids are young, to this point they BH seem to know right from wrong, and will stand by what they believe is right, even if their friends are standing on the other side of the line. With G-d's help, I hope that continues to be the case.
You are so right. That's a great perspective. I think that way when I am (starting)writing such a cynical blog. It's mixed emotions, I guess.
What I want to know is where did this mentality of 'everything is coming to me' surface from?
It is totally an American thing and stems from the gross materialism we are raised with and surrounded by on a daily basis.
Instead of trying to have lower expectations, try having an open mind which will allow you to be prepared for DIFFERENT expectations and therefore different results.
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