Relationships

In the middle of the Al Chaits we say "Slach Lanu, Mchal Lanu, Kaper Lanu". We say three different versions of "forgive us". Why the three different versions?
The simple answer that is generally brought down is that one is to forgive three different types of sins, one for accidental sins, one for intentional sins and one for sins of a rebellious nature. There is some discussion about which one is for which.
Today I heard what I think is an amazing answer that seems to fit so perfectly.
Our relationship with Hashem resembles one of three examples. parent-child, king/master-servant/subject and finally that of husband and wife.
The biggest sin or crime that a child can commit towards the parent is forgetting the parent. During our formative years, we can't do anything for ourselves, we rely completely on our parents, and all that we ask is that we not forget them. We probably all still remember, one of the worst things a child can do is forget to call the parent to let them know that they arrived somewhere. We look to Hashem as our father, avinu shebashamayim. We are guilty of forgetting him. He gives us the month of Elul to remedy that situation. As we say in L'dovid during the month of Elul, Kee avi v'imi azavuni. We felt abandoned and in turn "forgot" about our father. We forget Hashem because we put ourselves first. For that, we ask forgiveness when we say slach lanu. Slach is the same letters as chasol which means to cover over. We are asking Hashem's help in covering our ego. As we say daily, slach lanu avinu kee chatanu. Kee anu vanecha, v'ata avinu.
The worst sin or crime that a servant can commit towards the king is rebellion or disobedience. We also know of hashem as our melech, our king. With every sin, we fail to give Hashem the respect He deserves. He has a grand plan, but we choose to do our own thing, because in our narrow(minded) eyes, it's more important. In return, what does He give us? Rosh Hashana. The day that we remember, "Zeh Hayom Techilas Maasecha" This is the day that Hashem created the world. This is the yearly anniversary of the coronation of Hashem as King of Kings. What better day to re-remember him. That is the entire tafkid of Rosh Hashana. We make very few if any requests for ourselves on Rosh Hashana, the main thing that we daven for is "V'yitnu lcha kesser melucha" we pray for the return to glory of Hashem's kingship. For that, we ask forgiveness when we say mchal lanu. Mchal is the same letters as chamol which means to have mercy. As we say daily, mchal lanu malkeinu kee fashanu. kee anu avadecha v'ata adonainu.
Finally, we relate to Hashem as a spouse. What's the worst crime that one spouse can commit toward the other? Insensitivity. (all other thing flow or stem from that). If/when we only pay half attention to our spouses, or even if we throw out the casual "I love you" without meaning, or failing to recognize when something is bothering them, those are the worst crimes. How often do we do that to Hashem? Even when we do his mitzvos, are we paying attention? Are we doing it out of rote or do we do it because that's what He wants and how HE wants us to do them? In the tochacha it says why will this fall upon you, because you did the mitzvos without simcha/happiness. The mitvos weren't neglected, they just weren't done with the right intentions and attentions. Yom Kippur is the day of forgiveness for this.
For that, we ask forgiveness when we say kaper lanu. Kaper means to totally cleanse, as we know in a marriage even when there is forgiveness, the scars often remain. Comments made years prior are still always remembered even if they are forgiven. For that we need kapara to wipe the slate completely clean. It also explains why Yom Kippur is brought down as a day of shidduchim. It's a day of the re-uniting of chosson and kallah. kee anu raayasecha, v'ata dodainu.
May we all be zocheh to strengthen our relationships with our loved ones and with our father, our king, our beloved Hashem

Gemar Chasima Tova to one and all.

Erev Rosh Hashana

The hour is late, but there is still time for one last post this year, but I will attempt to be brief. I am telling over this story the way I heard it, but there may be some discrepancies. I am not vouching for all of the details, just the message.

There is a chasidishe story about a rebbe who was normally very happy, but happened to have been down. It was Chanukah and he couldn't bring himself to even light the Menorah. His gabbai tried pleading with him, but to no avail. Finally he opened the door to leave and someone, a tall man, caught the rebbe's eye and he called him into his private office. The man was nervous, but came to see the rebbe. The rebbe asked him how tall he was, and he told him. The rebbe then asked how tall his wife was, and the man told the rebbe that his wife was really short. The rebbe then asked him if he kisses his wife. The man was startled and thought that the rebbe "lost it" but answered yes. The rebbe asked "how?". After a hesitation and who knows what else going through his mind, the man said that he bends over, leans down and kisses his wife. The rebbe started to get excited and asked, is that all?what about your wife? what does she do? The man answered, when I bend down to her, she stands on her tippy toes and reaches up to me. The rebbe was so happy he was practically jumping for joy. The gabbai asked for an explanation and the rebbe explained that he was down because who was he to do mitzvos. why does Hashem needs his mitzvos, he's so imperfect and worthless. When he saw the tall man it occurred to him.... Hashem reaches down to us, our just is not to be perfect as much as it is to do our best. To stand on our tiptoes and reach up to him.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a chsiva vachasima tova and a good, happy, healthy and sweet year filled with hatzlacha, gezunt, parnasa and nachas.

If I offended or upset anyone this year, I would like to ask mechila for anything that I may have said, typed or done, or some cases, not said typed or done (sometimes that's even a bigger crime).

Finally, I would like to thank you for reading my blog and I hope it had a positive effect on you in some way.

Shana Tova to you and your families!

Near Tragedy

Five years ago today (in English). The first day of Rosh Hashana. The first day of 5762. The world still reeling in the aftermath of 9/11. Davening in shul. The Rav speaks before Tekias Shofar. Start saying Lamnatzeach. Once.... twice.... was that three or four? Why is someone tapping me on the shoulder? Why now? What do they want NOW? I'm trying to concentrate on the Lamnatzeachs. Next thing I know, Hatzala is whisking me home in an ambulance. They won't even tell me what's wrong. Oh my G-d! Oh my G-d! I race into the house. She's conscious. She looks over at me. I hope she's ok. Please G-d let her be ok.
My stomach doing unbelievable flip-flops. Reality setting in.
Oh my G-d!
Off she goes in the ambulance. Walking back to shul. What do I tell the others? What do I say? What do I do? So many questions. Don't want to face the questions now. At the moment, NO answers.....
Mussaf. Shmoneh Esrai. What do I do? How am I supposed to daven? How can I daven now? How can I do anything else BUT daven now? My face buried deep in the siddur. Tears flowing freely now. The words I have said thousands of times before, won't come out. I NEED to daven now. I NEED things to be ok. What a struggle.... "Hashem Sefasai Tiftach....." without YOUR help Hashem, to open my lips, I can't pray before you and beg YOU, and only you, for your help.
Sooo ironic.
PLEASE help. PLEASE!!!

BH, the help was there, what came close to being an unspeakable tragedy is now BH nothing more than a very scary memory. Then came the thinking. The analyzations. The questions. More questions. The strongest being why? why??? What did we do wrong to deserve this near tragedy, and on, of all days, Rosh Hashana itself. Perhaps the most important question, what did we do right for which we were rewarded with the fact that it was only a NEAR tragedy and disaster was averted. Questions that remain until this day. Answers that won't be revealed in this world. At the end of the day, only one thing to say: "Modim anachnu lach Hashem Elokainu....."

The Hole in the Sheet

Years ago the mother of one of my friends was so frustrated with the plight of the woman in our frum society that she joked that she was going to write a book about the plight of the frum woman and title the book "The Hole in the Sheet".
I had heard her gripes and the gripes of some female fellow jbloggers but having been male most, if not all, of my life, I could never really relate.
I would always try and give the arguments about how wonderful a woman's role is, and how it's different but equally important. While I still agree with daas torah and my stance on daas vs. binah, etc. a recent situation has made me feel a little of what these women are upset about, and are justified in their opinions.
A young woman that I know was in a bad marriage and after a fairly short time both sides agreed that the marriage would not last. The couple separated with every intention of getting divorced. I have my opinions, but that's all they are, opinions, so I won't get into the who's right and who's wrong arguments. All I will say is that the boy's side are wealthy multi-millionaires and are extorting money from the near penniless girl's side as a pre-condition before giving a get. They are insisting that the girl's father mortgage his house (pretty much his only worldly possession) to add to the boy's side's already overflowing coffers. The boy's family even went so far as to say, "we're in no rush, but we know that HER biological clock is ticking". DISGUSTING!!!!!!
Why would they do this? Simply put, because they can. Halachically, a woman is often treated as property, comparable to a horse or a piece of furniture.
Where are our gedolim to prevent such situations??? I can't imagine that this is what our chachomim had in mind. It just can't be. It just can't be :-(

What is Love? (Part II)

(Tevye)
Golde...
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I what?

(Tevye)
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion

(Tevye)
"Golde I'm asking you a question..."

Do you love me?

(Golde)
You're a fool

(Tevye)
"I know..."

But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

(Golde)
I was shy

(Tevye)
I was nervous

(Golde)
So was I

(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other
And now I'm asking, Golde
Do you love me?

(Golde)
I'm your wife

(Tevye)
"I know..."
But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

(Tevye)
Then you love me?

(Golde)
I suppose I do

(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too

(Both)
It change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

How can love be defined? Obviously it's not something that can be defined in concrete terms and the act of giving is definitely a major part of it. However, we give to friends as well, so giving may lead to love, but I wouldn't say that it defines it or could be used as a measuring stick.
I was thinking about this over the last few weeks, and what I have come up with as a defining factor is selfless giving. Most times when we give or do something we are thinking about what we will get back in return or how we benefit from that act. Love (IMHO) means giving without requiring anything to be gained by the act other than the pure happiness of the recipient. If we are satisfied with that and that alone, that's a true indication of love.
How is that measured though? I believe that sacrifice plays a role here. Look above at what Golde tells Tevye, she cooked for him, washed the clothes, milked the cows, etc. Do you think she necessarily enjoyed doing those things? Most likely not, but she continued doing them. why? because she loved him.
This also fits in well with our love for Hashem. We are given 613 commandments by Him. Not all of them are "fun", they come with some work, effort and sacrifice. We may not want to get up early to go to shul, we may be tempted not to keep kosher, etc. but we make sacrifices. why? Because we love Hashem and keeping his mitzvos is what makes Him happy. That's how we give to Him.
I know it's still hard to measure, but let me give you an example, and you will perhaps understand why I've been thinking about this lately. I went swimming with my family this past weekend. A toe in the pool test proved the water to be excruciatingly cold, there was no way I was going in. I was content to sit next to the pool and read, enjoying the last sun rays of the summer. My little one however wanted to go in the water and could not go in without someone in the pool to supervise. After a half hour of attempts, plea bargains etc., I realized I was wasting my breath. I had no choice. I wanted my little one to be happy, and this is what would make her happy. I took a running start and jumped into the pool. Other than frostbite, I gained nothing by this act other than seeing the look of sheer happiness on my little one's freezing wet face.
Trust me, I am quite sure I would not have done that for anybody else. Lesser sacrifices, perhaps, but if you remember from one of my earlier posts.............. I love my daughter.

Love....

We love our spouses, our kids, our parents and our siblings. We are commanded to love Hashem.
How do we define love? How do we determine if we love someone? what does love mean? how is it quantified? what's the yardstick?
I have my thoughts, but I want to hear yours first.......