Friends

The saying goes, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family". That saying is obviously true, and when people say it they are usually focusing on the negative, dealing with family issues. I, however, want to take this opportunity to focus on the positive. I don’t know where I would be without my friends.

While I am friends with someone, I am extremely dedicated to them, and hope and expect that they will be to me as well. When the time comes to move on, and in almost all situations, that time invariably comes, I retain the friendship and try to maintain the communication, but it clearly exists on a very different level. Then again, although we experienced a few year break, I am once again friends with the first friend that I ever had. Our families go back years before we were born, and now he and I daven in the same shul again.
When I moved to my current home, my wife and I were discussing the friends that we were leaving behind. It disappointed her, but I had a different approach. It didn't really bother me. I knew that we would make new friends and great new friends in our new community, just as we had in the old one, if not better (and we have). It sounds strange considering the importance that I seem to be placing on friends and friendships, but to me, it actually makes sense.
When we moved, in my head, it was almost necessary for us to find new friends. It was as if we grew and our friends didn't grow with us, and we needed to find new friends at our "new level". I hope that doesn’t sound haughty because that’s not the way it’s intended. Friendships are usually based on connections and similarities, and as those wane...... generally, so does the level of the friendships.

Throughout my life, I have BH had many friends. Interestingly, I have always had many people that I am friendly with at a given time, but I have not always had a "best" friend (excluding spouses here). My wife and I have often discussed that she usually has one best friend and many other friends. I generally tend to have different friends for different purposes. Different friends to suit my different needs. I don’t need one friend to be an all-inclusive package. I can have one sports buddy, one going-out buddy, one shul buddy, one work buddy, etc etc etc. and I appreciate them all very much.
Somehow I am able to juggle them all, and I think each one believes that they are one of my closest friends, and in fact, they are, so I guess it works.
These days, however, I do have a best friend. A friend that I am very thankful for and appreciate having in my life. You know the kind of best friend that I’m talking about.
Someone that you look forward to talking to and makes you smile as soon as you hear his/her voice no matter what else is going on in your life.
Someone with whom you look forward to sharing events in your life and have them share theirs with you as well.
Someone who when something interesting happens in your life, your immediate first thought is to call and tell them.
Someone to whom you can tell ANYTHING and you know won’t judge you.
Someone who you can even tell that you have a blog and it doesn't affect what you write on it.
Someone with whom time always flies when you are together because inevitably whatever you are doing, it's fun.
Someone that hurts when you hurt and you feel their hurt when they are hurting as well.
Someone that can cheer you up regardless of how down you are feeling.
Someone that will read this blog and even though I haven't mentioned any names, will instinctively know that this really is meant for them.

Thanks. I’m glad I “chose” you.

What is your most desired invention??

I have said this for years, and the fact that my answer still remains the same I think is an indication that my most desired invention, truly would make my life that much better.
Every morning after davening, breakfast maybe and possibly a good morning to my kids, I set off to work in my car. What happens next totally impacts the rest of my day. No matter how relaxed I start out, and what I have planned for the ride, the traffic volumes affect what mood I will be in when I reach my office. It still amazes me how one stretch of 3-5 miles that obviously won't take more than five minutes to travel on a Sunday or holiday, can take close to an hour on a working day. Nothing annoys me more than coming home to my family in a crummy mood because I spent far longer on the roads getting home than I should have.

That being said, without question, my most desired invention would be a transporter similar to the ones used on Star Trek (no I am not a trekkie). Imagine being able to get from home to work in ten seconds. I would always be in a good mood when I got to work and when I got home. I would be home more and be able to spend much more time home with my family.
That's just the beginning though, if I oversleep, I can transport myself further west and still catch minyan. Can you imagine, being able to transport yourself and daven at the kotel every day? You could have breakfast, lunch and dinner in three different cities, every day of the week. The possibilities are endless and limitless.
I would therefore go deep into debt to pay anyone who can invent this, in the long run it would make my life that much more calm and adventuresome.
GET CRACKING GUYS!

You're Talking When???

I observed something this morning that really irked me.
On the bright side though, it gave me something to blog about.
V'Amaich Kulam Tzadikim and Chaverim Kol Yisrael.....
That being said, there is a time and a place for everything. I davened this morning in a shul other than my own and was astounded at the volume level of talking during charazas hashatz. I was much younger than the talkers and I felt it in appropriate for me to be giving them mussar, after all, who am I? They don't know that I am Frum Idealist.

Obviously we shouldn't be talking in shul at all. After all, we have a meeting with Hakadosh Boruch Hu. How dare we interrupt to talk to our friends? Can you imagine having a meeting with the CEO of your company and answering your cell phone to talk to your buddy when he calls? You would be fired immediately.

I wanted to focus though on two specific points today.

#1 - Talking with your tefillin on. The Shulchan Aruch is very clear on how serious this is and how it should be avoided at almost any cost. Just to give you an understanding... The Shulchan Aruch states that one should keep their tefillin on by a bris. Why? Because Tefillin is an Os and Bris is an Os. If you look around nowadays, you rarely find anyone other than the baal simcha and one or two rabbanim that keep their tefillin on. Why? One of the gedolei hador was asked this question and answered something to the effect of, being that there is generally a delay between the end of davening and the bris itself, people will likely be talking, and it's better they take their tefillin off so that they are not talking with their tefillin on than keeping their tefillin on for the bris.

#2 - Talking during chazaras hashatz. The Shulchan Aruch states that someone who talks during chazaras hashatz, "godol avono min'so". That phrase only appears one other time, anywhere. After Hashem admonishes Kayin for killing Hevel, Kayin asks, "godol avoni min'so??". Rashi says "Bitmiya", he was asking Hashem if his sin, murder, technically genocide, after all, he killed a quarter of the world's population, is that astounding. The Shulchan Aruch isn't asking, he is TELLING us, YES, the sin of talking during chazaras hashatz IS that astounding.
A few weeks ago I had posted about the importance and value of the amens of a complete chazaras hashatz as opposed to a "heicha kedusha". When discussing my post with someone, he educated me to the fact that at one point the Rambam did away with chazaras hashatz altogether, because people couldn't control themselves and not talk, and it was better not to have chazaras hashatz than to have talking during charazas hashatz. Mind Boggling!!! Imagine if the Rambam lived today???

I'm not saying not to be friendy, but do it at an appropriate time.

A Little AFI History

This shabbos marks an anniversary for me. Parshas Yisro was the first shabbos that I spent with my wife's family in their neighborhood and at their shul. You are probably wondering how or why I remember that. The answer is very simple.
At one point over the course of the shabbos, my then, future father-in-law approached me. He was telling me how appropriate it was that Parshas Yisro was the first shabbos that I spent with them. Why? Because in Parshas Yisro, Moshe's father-in-law gives him advice and the Torah tells us, "Vayishma Moshe L'kol Chosno, Vayaas Kol Asher Amar", "And Moshe listened to his father-in-law and did everything that he said. This should be a lesson to you, dear AFI, in father-in-law/son-in-law relationships."
I looked him straight in the eye with a smirk on my face, and responded how I agreed that it truly was an appropriate shabbos for me to be with them. Why? Because shortly after the passuk that my f-i-l quoted, the Torah tells us, "Vayshalach Moshe Es Chosno, Vayelech Lo El Artzo" "And Moshe sent his father-in-law away and he, Yisro, went back to his land. True, Moshe listened to his father-in-law, but that's because in that situation, he gave him good advice. However, immediately afterwards Moshe sent Yisro packing in response to his f-i-l butting into his life. This should be a lesson to you dear future f-i-l, in father-in-law/son-in-law relationships."

Happy Day

Today is a happy day for American men. No, it's not because yesterday was Valentine's Day and now the pressure is off. Today is the day that the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue hits the stands and the mailboxes. It's amazing seeing how much happier men are today than they were yesterday. It's the craziest phenomenon. The men we know (at least the ones I know) don't know these women, they'll never meet or speak to them. Yet, looking at their pictures, seems to bring joy to their hearts. At least that's what my other guy friends tell me. ;-)

Chukas Hagoyim or just Hallmark???

Today is Valentine's Day. To be more accurate it's really St. Valentine's Day. Yet Jews all around are wishing each other a Happy Valentine's Day. Is this an issue of chukas hagoyim?
My opinion would be that it's not. In my opinion, Valentine's Day falls under the same category as Mother's Day, Father's Day and Secretary's Day. Which means that I don't have halachic issues with it, I have other issues. I know, I have many issues, very funny.
These "holidays" were not determined by any religious organization or religious group, and therefore I don't see it as a halachic problem, they were "holidays" that Hallmark created in order to boost revenues. Someone at Hallmark had the brilliant idea to create these "holidays" to give people excuses to buy their greeting cards.
I'm sorry, but I refuse to give in to this blatant manipulation. Nobody's is going to tell me when to tell my mother, father or wife that I love them and nobody will tell me when to tell my secretary that I appreciate them. I will do that on my own thank you very much.
Due to the pressures of outside society, I will wish my loved ones the respective wish on their respective special day, but I refuse to give Hallmark a penny of my hard earned money for this venture. On principle!
Next the fashion industry will be telling me how wide my tie should be, or how many buttons I should have on my suit jacket. I am putting my foot down NOW!

That all being said, I do love chocolate, and while I will not post a blog about my love for food, that's been overdone already, I will attach this link to some great chocolate related quotes. I have too many favorites to enumerate, so feel free to check them out and let me know which are your favorites.

Torah Shebichsav

We live in an era where all good frum boys go to yeshiva and are taught to learn gemara. Not only are they taught to learn it, but unfortunately they are "taught" that gemara is the end all be all of the jewish religion. True, chazal teaches us to learn gemara because it includes everything else, but I don't think they meant it to the exclusion of all other learning as we are seeing these days. BH we are seeing a major increase in torah learning especially thanks to daf yomi. Don't get me wrong, I am not chas v'shalom knocking daf yomi, I think it's a wonderful thing, but take a few minutes and learn some torah shebichsav as well. It's getting to a point where our children will know that Yitzchak was Yaakov's father and Avrohom was Yitzchak's, not because it's written in chumash, but because it's brought down in the gemara.
There was a famous story (and I know the girl so I can vouch for the story's veracity) which took place when I was dating, about a girl who mentioned Eldad and Maidad on her date. The young man she was with responded with, "sorry, we don't learn navi in yeshiva".
His answer is wrong on so many levels. It's a shame that the boys don't learn navi, but the reason they don't is because the yeshivas are supposed to teach the tools to learn, and the boys stick to the tools and nothing else. How many boys these days know our rich history? I'm not even going into the fact that this young man, probably one of the best learners in his yeshiva, didn't even realize that Eldad and Maidad are in chumash, not navi. That my friends is a true crime.

For one hundred bonus points, who knows who Eldad and Maidad's parents were?

Where's Our Focus??

I have been reflecting these last few days. Between my experience this past Sunday, a post that I read on someone else's blog and a video that I received in e-mail, I have started to focus on my perspectives. Where do we put the majority of our time and efforts?
Our lives are so busy, we are running from here to there and then back. We don't take the time to appreciate the life that we are leading. Someone once advised me to "work to live", not the other way around. Great advice, although not so easy to heed. We are so concerned about making money so that our family has a great life and everything they want, we tend to deprive them of the one thing that they need most, US!
How many of us spend so many hours working or in transit, that our kids only see us on shabbos? Even then, we are so exhausted from the amount of hours that we worked during the week, that we spend most of shabbos asleep. When do our children see us awake and in action?
Even when they do talk to us, how often are we REALLY paying attention? How many times do we listen to them with one ear, while checking e-mail, blackberry or cell phone with some, if not most, of our attention.
After a hundred twenty years, if the best thing that people or your family can say about you is that you were a great worker and employee, there's something very wrong with that situation. It's our family that counts the most. At least it should be. I don't know about you guys, but nothing brings me more joy than seeing my child smiling at me or telling me a story of what happened in school. I have been working on changing my focus, and I recommend it for everyone else as well. The rewards will definitely make the effort worthwhile. I know it's only been a few days, but I have been trying to get home from work a little bit earlier so that I can spend time with them, and taking a second to stop and kiss them before leaving in the morning. It's a few little things, but I'm sure it will make a big difference to them in the long run.
The video that I referred to earlier, really drove home this point. I had really wanted to attach it to this post, but I couldn't figure out how or if it was possible. If anyone is interested in seeing it, by all means, e-mail me and I will forward it to you. I think it's worth seeing. It brought tears to my eyes.

The Day After...

I remember very vividly back to my childhood years and the days that I dreaded the most. It was always the day after. The day after my birthday was traditionally one of the most depressing days of the year. In camp, the most depressing night was always the night after Visiting Day.
Every year I would anxiously look forward to my birthday. What would this one do, what would that one do, what presents would I get, etc etc etc. Then my birthday would come and it would inevitably not live up to my expectations. Few friends would remember, the presents would be somewhat weak, if at all. What a letdown. The next day that letdown and void would only continue and get that much worse. 364 days to my next birthday. I don't know if I would forget the fact that the birthday wasn't the greatest or I would just look forward to next year's sure that it would be great. To some degree it ties in to my "Great Expectations" post from a few weeks back.
In any case, even though I am older, nothing has really changed. Yesterday was BH a great day, not my birthday, and having nothing to do with the SuperBowl, and now today I am once again left with that feeling of void. I should be reveling in how great yesterday was, and to some degree I am, but at the same time, I am down. As an adult, I reflect differently than I did as a child. Did I make the most out of the day yesterday? Did I absorb every minute and second that I should have?
Too late now. That opportunity is gone. Others will come, but that one is gone. I think I made the most of it. I really hope that I did. It wasn't easy, so many other distractions. I did the best I could. In the end, is that enough?? Ultimately, it doesn't matter. Life goes on. I hope I am the better for it, and will be even more conscious in the future to revel in the moment and focus on what's really important. Life is great, right?????

So, why am I still down?

Everything In Moderation

Lately while blogging I have read what, as an orthodox frum jew, I consider to be some strange things.
On one blog I read about women shaving their heads. One was talking about TV and movies and the fact that Chassidim don’t involve themselves with that. Another, the craziest in my opinion, discussed Judaism’s issue with sex.
It made me think a lot about chassidus and about how it differs from my way of thinking. Granted chassidus does not advocate celibacy, that’s a whole different issue.
One of the differences that I always noticed between us as Jews, and the Christians/Catholics, was that we understood moderation. They did not.
Obviously we have laws that restrict us from many things, but once we get past the laws, we are living in a corporeal world. Sex in Judaism is not forbidden or prohibited or only for procreation. Our Rabbis and leaders engage in sexual activity. However, it’s done in such a way as to emphasize the spirituality of the union of husband and wife.
This is directly opposed to Catholicism where sex is a “necessary evil” for procreation and abstaining makes one better or holier. This is not natural. Hashem did not create the world this way. I hate to say it but that’s why you see priests and altar boys…….
As it relates to women’s hair, (yes, it’s supposed to be covered), colors of clothing, types and quantities of kosher foods that we eat and in my opinion even television and movies, moderation, moderation, moderation is the direction in which we should be going.
To some degree, I understand why chassidus chooses to exclude themselves from the rest of the goyish society, but for me it doesn’t work. Generally if a child is prohibited from doing something, it only makes them want it more. Why else would we have imitation shrimp, crab and lobster? Do we really want or need those foods, or is it only because we can’t have them?
My wife once heard a woman lecturer, I think her name was Tova Mordechai, who grew up in a convent. She now is frum and speaks, traveling the world, wearing bright clothing (she was wearing a bright red dress when my wife heard her) and eating smorgasbords of food (no she is not fat, I was simply making a point), to offset her years of being allowed to only wear black and white and eat only old bread and water.
There are simanim and simanim in shulchan aruch, teaching us the torah way to do the most mundane things (which I will not get into here), but the point is, doing things the torah way, means taking the most mundane acts and objects and elevating them to a higher level, by using and doing them properly in the way that Hashem would want you to do them.
Do you see what I’m getting at? I believe that to be a frum torah jew means to involve yourself in the world, but in moderation and doing it in a way that both elevates yourself as well as those around you, not to mention the opportunities to make a kiddush hashem, both with Jews and non-Jews alike.